Thursday, May 13, 2010

Appropriate Dream

So much crap, so little desire to go over it all. I'm typing up my dream diaries so I can have them backed up digitally. Anyway, I came across this dream from four years ago that is a pretty good indicator of how I'm feeling now.


03-19-06

I was a total loner, especially after all of my friends deserted me. I was walking down a road, I think it had just stopped raining. There was a dinner plate sized coin in the middle of the flooded road. I knew it had to be worth a lot of money, so I picked it up. It had gotten pretty nasty, but I knew I could clean it. I can’t remember if I put it in my pocket or my car.

Later I caught up with my friends. They were stacking some boxes and told me to get to the top of the stack to help. I tried, but the way they kept telling me to do things the boxes kept falling. I walked off in a huff without a word to anyone. I ended up at the house of a guy I knew. I was telling him what had happened and cussed, something mild like “ass”. He got real somber and said something about having to apologize later. He pointed across the room and there was a kid sitting there. I sort of blew it off and went with him to the garage. We were working to help his grandma sell it. The girl looking kept complaining about the cars, even though she was getting one for free.

I left, mumbling something about communists, and ran into the man who lived across the street. He had just sold his house so I brought up him helping the guy, who had shown up then too. They started mumbling and looking at their feet. I was about to let it go when the grandma called to make me apologize to the kid. The two guys were looking at me expectantly. I’m not sure if I did or not. I was irate and embarrassed and started yelling that they were all commies before taking off.

I ended up at some kind of tent that was nearly packed with people. I was up on a low platform. Suddenly I looked down and there was a little baby gripping on to my leg. I just stared at it horrified before freaking out and screaming for someone to get it off of me. No one seemed to see it, but an elderly gentleman reached up to help anyway. As he was removing the phantom baby from my leg, I looked outside.

Then everything changed. I was standing outside looking out at what used to be a lush forest. It had been completely demolished and all that was left was barren wasteland. I stood there next to another like me, feeling like I was about to vomit and wanting to cry out ever ounce of water in me. He put his arm around my shoulder.
A train of soldiers passed by in front of us. They seemed to be in fairly good spirits. Most even waved as they passed, we waved back. Then everything changed again.

We were on a bus. I somehow felt that not long ago it had been full, but now there was only a handful of people. The woman up front was very important. Without warning a dump truck careened in front of us and barreled onto a side road. We pulled over to it and the important woman issued the driver a citation. As we headed back on our way, someone recommended stopping at the building ahead.

The building ended up being a semi-underground mall I had been to in dreams before. I recognized it by it’s complicated parking lot. There was a dance going on that the guy was supposed to take me to. I went to a store to pick up a dress when this snotty girl came and started taunting me, that he had changed his mind and was going to take her. One look at his face and I knew it was true. After I picked out my dress, she came in to taunt me again. In a fit of rage I broke her feet and snatched a huge chunk of hair from the top of her head. Now she was useless.

I went to a bathroom to get dressed. I was doing my hair when there was a knock at the door. He said I had made a terrible mistake. That the “young man” had snapped and gone on a killing spree. I’m not sure if I just caught a flash of it or actually joined him, but when I saw him there was some unusual music in the background.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Loyalty

I don't know if I'm an unusual case. But when I dedicate myself to something, be it another person, a cause or even some idea, I'm in 110%. There are even people removed from my life under unsavory circumstances who I still hope find peace in their lives. That's just how I am. I've met a lot of people in my life. So many. From all over the globe. Most have been merely acquaintances. A decent chunk I have been lucky enough to call friends. I would never intentionally betray a friend, they are too precious a commodity. Of these friends, there are a select few who, for some reason or other and through no coersion on their own behalf, have garnered my undying loyalty and dedication.

To be exact, there are 4 such people. For reasons I don't even fully understand, and as individual as they are, these 4 have become almost a part of me. I'm not normally empathic (to be honest, I normally don't bother caring) but when they are sad or happy or angry, I'm there with them. I would do anything in my power to help them and grow frustrated and indignant when there is little I can do. These people are in a unique position in that whatever they ask, I will do. Or, at least, give it my very best effort. The thing that is really mindblowing is the confirmation that my loyalties are not misplaced is that under normal circumstances these 4 let me run free, be who I am and love me for it in return. Only rarely do they pull rank and override my decisions. This, is precious indeed.

So, it goes without saying that when any of these people are heading towards danger or heartbreak my initial instinct is to spring into action to try and avoid the situation. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I come across new information (or a roadblock) and need to change tactics, but don't think I'm backing down. Not even close. Because my resolve is firm and my course is set. Know, you, that what I do I do out of love for those ranked top in my life. No matter how close we are or may have been, they will always take precedence and any slight against them is a slight against me; and I will take it very personally. Whether you think it's my business or not. My invested time and efforts have made it my business. So, I will do as I'm asked. But when the time comes I will do what needs to be done. Because that's how I am, and that's how it's going to be.